"REAL LIFE FUNNIES TO LYAO"
KATZ LIFE
**Conversation Between 2 Friends Abt. Proper Cleaning of Puter Mouse:
Clean mouse out; get rid of droppings; it drags; ball won't roll right; clean its balls; throw in washer right w/ lil downy to make it soft...like soft balls; shit getting up in mouse balls...confusing him; it's bouncy; turn mouse over; and what blow?; see how to open up and get ball out by twisting his thingy; ok, for real...i'll blow; should be arrows on bottom, twist thingy til his ball comes out; twist his nuts that way?; no twist thingy and ball will come out; he doesnt have a thingy to twist; when u get his ball out; suck on it?; take a Q-tip w/ alcohol; suck on it?; wont it burn him; and clean him out; make him tingle; there are little rollers inside; do I need to unplug him first; that ball rolls on, clean um; yes,put him to sleep first, could be painful for him if awake; neuter; put his ball back in, see if his balls work better; all fresh and clean; clean his inners out and help his lil ball out; bounce better; help ur little mouse friend out, help his balls, he will love you for it forever!!!

** There is this guy...works so hard..overtime, does everything at home, cooks, cleans, gets kids to bed, gets them up and ready for school in the mornings, breakfast, the works...nothing he doesn't do. Still for someone...just doesnt appear to be enough! This guy was at work one day, working late as usual and gets a phone call from his wife. She had already been home for awhile since she got off of work. She called to ask him what was for dinner. There was a comment made that there was chicken in the freezer. She asked him, "What am I supposed to do w/ that?" He told her to be resourceful...fry it, bake it, look in cook book. The guy ends up always eating grapenuts w/ milk. Keep trying to talk guy into fixing up label for cereal box that changes the name to:
NUTTIN BITCH!

**Same guy, same crap!! Next day, he gets a call from his wife at work once again. Few days before he was offered a promotion at work and was going to put the extra raise in the bank. He had told his wife abt. the promotion,but not the raise...wanted to save the money u know. She called and asked if his boss had talked to him abt. a raise. He ended up telling/regretting telling her yes he did, but couldnt tell her because he was at work. He told her he was busy right then and would email her. Very few minutes later, he gets email from her which said, "I am getting tired of waiting!".
He emailed her back w/ a percent raise. He received yet another email from her stating..."that means nothing--I need a number!" (whew...scares me...because this would be a math problem and wife is a teacher). He sent back email stating the salary range. And still received another email from her which said, "you mean over $ amount--like what?" (i wouldve emailed her back w/ damn, woman!)

**This same day w/ salary discussion, wife emails hubby again stating their house was voted on to have this years christmas party. She called him back later to say, that christmas party was going to be a big deal. Said better start saving her money because he wasn't footing the bill.

**Even still this same day, he gets call from his wife stating she is having friends over the next day and (dont forget...she's been home for hours doing nothing since work)...and asking him to stop and pick up some bicardi's margarita mix.

**Next day, wife calls him at work, she is right down street from their children's afterschool care...he is 40 min. away...asks him to go by and pick the kids up and bring them home. What does this woman do all day? We know it wouldn't be teach proper math!! We know it's not fix dinner for her family, pick up kids, etc...nor clean!! Well, yes, she does clean...but only right before the cleaning lady is due to arrive. Whew...I can't even imagine having the life of this guy!! LMAO

**What do Eskimos get from sitting on ice for too long? Polaroids.

** How do you catch a polar bear? Dig hole, put food around hole in ice. When the polar bear comes up to eat the food, kick him in the icehole! :o)

**REVISED MIRANDA:
You have the right to swing first. However, if you choose to swing first, any move you makd can and will be used as an excuse to beat the shit out of you. You have the right to have a doctor and a priest present. If you cannot afford a doctor or are not presently attending a church of your choice, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand what I have just told you, ASSHOLE?

**THE 23rd CHANNEL:
The TV is my shepherd, I shall not want. It makes me lie down on the sofa. It leads me away from the faith. It destroys my soul. It leads me in the path of sex and violence for the sponsors sake. Yea, though I walk in the shadow of Christian responsibility, there will be no interruption for the TV is with me. It's cable and remote control, they comfort me. It prepares a commercial for me in the presents of my worldliness. It annoints my head with Humanism and Consumerism, my coveting runneth over. Surely, laziness and ignorance shall follow me all the days of my life. And I shall dwell in the house forever watching TV...Amen.

**TOP 20 REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
1-You can get chocolate.
2-"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3-Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4-You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to
5-You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6-You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7-If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8-Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9-The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10-You can have chocolate on top of your desk/workbench during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
11-You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12-You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13-With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14-Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15-You can have chocolate any time of the month
16-Good chocolate is easy to find.
17-You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18-You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19-When you have chocolate it doesnt keep your neighbors awake.
20-With chocolate size doesn't matter, it's always good.

**There was this man w/ a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy costume company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel w/ a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, w/ your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, w/ your bald head, you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple!"

**ONLY IN AMERICA:
Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating ring.
Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
Do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.
Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pends to the counters.
Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage.
Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we son't miss a call from someone we didnt want to talk to in the first place.
Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking cratures"
Do they have drive-up ATM machines w/ Braille lettering.
Can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

**IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD:
Women w/ cold hands would give men prostate exams.
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 30 pounds.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
Men would bring drinks, chips, and dip to women watching soap operas.
Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles because there would be no pictures.
Men would learn the phrases like: "I'm sorry," "I love you," "You're beautiful," and "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."
Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
All toilet seats would be nailed down.
Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.
Overweight men would have their weight brought to theri attention constantly.


**WORKPLACE COMMENTS:
And your crybaby whiny-asses opinion wouls be...?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell w/ fluorescent lighting.
I started out w/ nothing and still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You!...Off my planet!
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
I'm trying to imagine you w/ a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

**BOOZE WARNINGS:(Consumption of Alcohol:::)
-make you think you are whispering when you are not.
-is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
-may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
-may cause you to thay shings like thish.
-may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
-may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
-may make you think you can logicaly converse w/ members of the opposite sex without spitting.
-may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
-may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
-is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
-may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.
-may lead you to believe you are invisible.
-may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
-may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large)gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
-may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

**A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into the pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.

**A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "no Sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

**IF BILL AND HILLARY MOVE TO NEW YORK...WHAT NAME SHALL THEY CHOOSE:
Here are some of the public's ideas:
Disgraceland, Perjurers'Palace, HillBilly Villa, The House of Bill's Repute, Drawers Downs, Cheatem Estates, Castle of Contempt, Sin Simeon, The House That Terrybought, The Knee Pad,
The White Trash House, The Blight House, The Panderosa, Liars' Lair, Bill & Hill's Bribe & Breakfast, The Clinton Compost, Dogpatch on the Hudson, Rancho Immoral, Deceitful Domicile, Monica's Man's Manor, The Hen House, The Out House,The Big House, The Love Shack, Lucifer's Lair, House of the Rising Son, The House of Seven Felonies, Cottage of Contempt, and Motel Sex.

**PRAYER FOR THE ADDICTED
God, grant me the serenity
To accept a post I cannot change,
Courage to walk past the computer
without turning it on
When I'm running late for work,
And the wisdom to know the difference
between "come to bed now" meaning "lets
have some fun" and "come to bed NOW" meaning "that computer has got to go!!"
Amen

**Top 10 Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex:
10-Guaranteed to get a little something in the sack.
9-If you get tired, wait 10 min. and go at it again.
8-The uglier you get, the easier it is to get some.
7-You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6-Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5-If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4-If you wear a Batman mask, noone thinks you're kinky.
3-Doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2-Less guilt in the morning.
1-If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

**Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
-I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
-How about never? Is never good for you?
-I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
-I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
-I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
-I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
-I don't work here...I'm a consultant.
-it sounds like English, but can't understand a word you're saying.
-I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
-I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
-You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
-I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
-I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
-I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
-We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
-The fact that noone understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
-Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
-What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
-I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
-It's a thankless job, but I've got alot of Karma to burn off.
-No, my powers can only be used for good.
-You sound reasonable....Time to up the medication.
-Who me? I just wander from room to room.

**YOU MIGHT BE ADDICTED TO AOL IF:
-you have withdrawals if you're away from puter for more than a few hours.
-you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one)
-you wake-up in morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have first cup of coffee.
-you have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep awake.
-you have your puter set up so that it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen.
-you wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from work
-you don't know where the time has gone.
-you end sentences withe three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.
-your relationship online has one farther than any real one you have had.
-you get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom go turn on ur puter instead.
-you spell things outloud instead of actually saying the word.
-you don't even notice any more when someone has a typo.
-When you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{HUGS}}} or ***KISSES***
-you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno, and lemme
-your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL"
-you type faster than you think
-you got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too and are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office
-you want to be buried w/ your puter when it dies...or vice versa.
-you actually enjoy the fact that your addicted.
-you can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at end of a movie.
-people say, if it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have long been classified as a veggie.
-you dream in text.
-being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult.
-there's absolutely no interesting chat room and you are really bored.
_you don't want to leave in case you miss something.
-you double click your TV remote.
-you can now type over 70 wpm.
-you think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
-you're on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say "BRB" or "BBL"
-you check yor email and forget you have real mail aka snail mail
-you go into withdrawals during dinner.
-you spend at least 30 min. making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room
-you stop speaking in full sentences.
-you have to be pryed from puter w/ Jaws-of-life
you have gone into an unstaffed tech support room and ended up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.
-there's absolutely no interesting chat room and you are really bored.
-your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience.
-you set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" and while you were there you "just wanted to see who is on"
-you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their s/n.

**WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU'RE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET:
1-You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.
2-You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.
3-You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com".
4-Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
5-All of your friends have an @ in their names.
6-You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
7-Your phone bill comes to your doorstop in a box.
8-You laugh at people w/ 14,400 baud modems.
9-You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
10-You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
11-You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html.
12-Your spouse makes a new rule,"The computer cannot come to bed."
13-You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer w/ a commode.
14-You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :o)
15-You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.
16-Your best friend is someone you've never met.
17-Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.
18-You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited".
19-Your dog has its own home page.
20-So does your gold fish.

**THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP WHEN YOU'RE PULLED OVER......"
--I only had one officer Mr. Keg...
--Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
--Want to race to the station, Sparky?
--I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
--On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
--You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
--Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
--Hey, wasn't your daughter the pork queen?
--How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
--Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
--I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special.
--Yeah, you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
--Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up w/ me! Good Job!
--Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. (hoping ur state allows them)
--I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
--Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
--You know, I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
--"Bad Cop! No Donut!"
--I was trying to keep up w/ traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
--You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
--"Lets do it different this time...I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow."
--Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
--Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
--I bet I could grab tht gun before you finish writing my ticket.
--So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
--Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
--Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
--So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play w/ your gun when you were little?
--Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.
--When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.
--Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
--Hey, you look like that girl I fucked a few days ago!
--Aren't you one of the Village People?
--Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife!

**There's three cops that go to the same bar after work every night. Two of the cops are veterans and one is a rookie. One night the rookie and one of the veterans are sitting around and the third veteran comes into the bar w/ the biggest shit eating grin on his face. The other two cops ask him, "Why are you so happy?" He tells the other two cops, "Well last night I had the best sex in my life w/ my wife. I his my pistol cocked and loaded under the pillow. When I was about to cum I fired a shot into the air. Her pussy got really tight and we both came at the same time." The next night the other veteran comes into the bar w/ a shit eating grin on his face and tells the other veteran, "Thanks for the advice. Last night I had the most incredible sex w/ my wife. I was doing her doggy style and when I was about to cum I fired my pistol. We both had a spontaneous orgasm. It was great!" The next night the two veterans see the rookie come into the bar pissed as hell kicking chairs as he made his way over to them. The rookie says, "Well, I took your advice! My wife and I were doing sixty-nine and I fired my gun! The bitch almost bit off my dick and she shit in my face!"

**TOP 10 THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD IN VICTORIA'S SECRET:
10. Does this come in children's sizes?
9. No thanks. Just sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys logo on it?
5. No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me???
3. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!
2. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
1. The Miracle What?? This is better than world peace!!

**PENIS TAX:
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts. Effective Jan. 1, 2000, your penis will be taxed according to size.
The categories are as follows:
10-12 inches Luxury Tax $30.00
08-10 inches Pole Tax $25.00
05-08 inches Privilege Tax $15.00
04-05 inches Nuisance Tax $3.00
Males exceeding 12 inches must file a capital gains return.
NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service
Washington, D.C.
Don't Know About Some People:
**Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said,"I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

**Guy walks into supermarket and buys the following:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says, "So, you single?" The guy replies very sarcastically, "How did u guess?" She replies, "Because you're fucking ungly!"

**A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed w/ the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad,I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

**I heard that Pepsi rehired Michael Jackson. They needed someone who was willing to suck that kid out of the bottle.

**Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?" The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my master I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing. The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my master had just gotten out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it...I jumped up and started taking it from the rear!" The second dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?" "Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed."

**When someone says: "you dont know Jack Schitt"...now you'll know the rest of the story:
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six children. Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, Horace. Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa, and are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt. NOW YOU KNOW JACK SCHITT!!!!!!!!!

**THREE GUYS/ST. PETER:
Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says that he has one question for him before he goes to heaven and asks him if he was faithful to his wife. The guy answered that ye, he had never even looked at another woman. St. Peter then points to a Rolls-Royce and tells the guy that will be his car to drive while he is in heaven.
The second guy gets the same question and responds by telling St. Peter that he once strayed, but confessed to his wife and she forgave him and that they both worked it out. St. Peter then points to a new Buick and told the guy that would be for him to use while he was in heaven.
The third guy answers the same question, and admitted that he chased every girl he saw and that was alot of women. St. Peter then says that the guy is basically a good guy, so that the VW Bug would be his to use while in heaven.
The three guys go off their separate ways. A few weeks later the second and third guy are driving along when they see the first guy's Roll's Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar to find the first guy with empty bottles all around him, face down with his hands on the bar. They come up to him and guy two says, "Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!" He says, "I saw my wife today!" The other two guys answer, "That's great! What's the problem?" He answers, "She was riding a bicycle!!!!"

**Two weeks ago, was my birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good morning, Boss" and I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We dont't need to go back to the office. Do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedrooma nd slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and in about five minutes, she came out...carrying a big birthday cake, ....followed by my wife and children! All were singing Happpy Birthday. .....and there on the couch I sat....with nothing on but my socks......

**Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!" Too late---he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately he offered apologies for his use of bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem...If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"

**
More Jokes From My Friends:
**Two guys walking down the street; they see a dog licking it's nuts. First guy says, "gee, I wished I could do that." Second guy says, "don't you think you should pet it first?"
**To err is human...to really foul things up takes a computer!
**The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that everyone is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along w/ possible responses.
Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. basketball
b. football
c. how fat you are
d. how much prettier she is than you
e. how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best reponse to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."
Question #2:Do you love me? The proper answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Shit loads
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who me?
Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not" Among the incorrect answers are:
a.Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. a little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not." Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
**Why does Bill drink so much coffee?
he is required to "stay up" for many hours to satisfy the needs of his staff.
**How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony? It wan't words that I put in her mouth."
**What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common? They both heard a giant sucking sound.
**What's the headline on the Washington Post read? Bush finally defeats Clinton.
**A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her. He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?" The Lord responded, "So you could lover her, my son." "Why did you make her so good-looking?" "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her sucha good cook?" "So you could lover her, my son." The man thought about this. Tehn he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but...why did you make her so stupid?" "So she could love you, my son."
**Sarcastic Remarks:
--A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
--I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
--Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
--And which dwarf are you?
--Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
**A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman w/ the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that. The cowboy said, "tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
**White House spokesman Mike McCurry said that what the President had actually a Ms. Lewinsky to do was "lie under an oaf."
**Why are there no book marks in the White House? Because they bend all the pages over.
**What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate? At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat."
**How does Hillary feel? She may be the First Lady, but she wont be the last.
**Realization of from another White House intern... "And all that time I thought that humming was the shredder!"
**Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" "Well...not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well...not exactly..." "I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
**Today's woman puts on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen pound of assorted make-up/shadows/blushes/creams, living bras, various pads that would make a linebacker envious, has implants and assorted other surgeries, then complains that she cannot find a "real" man.

**BENEFITS OF ADORING YOUR MAN'S PENIS:
1-Every blow job you give, adds one month to your life.
2-If you swallow, the protein is equal to five porterhouse steaks, but contains only 150 calories.
3-A hand job a day keeps arthritis away.
4-Every ten minutes of dry humping is equal to ten minutes on the treadmill.
5-Doing it doggie style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.
6-Intercourse prevents divorce.
7-Regular fucking releases Vitamin E, which increases the number of brain cells.
8-Sex eliminates headaches.
9-Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard: triples your chance of getting into heaven.
10-Inviting an attractive female friend into bed w/ you and your lover earns you diamond choker for your birthday.

**To prepare for his big date w/ a blonde hottie, the young man went up to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool." This young man was determined not to miss this date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured himself a tall, cool, glass of milk. He then placed his sunbuned member in the milk and experienced an immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him w/ his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

**The wives of three presidents and a prime minister are talking together about what a penis is called in their native languages. The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side. The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain because it goes down after the act. Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumour because it goes from mouth to mouth.

**Why did God put men on earth? Because a vibrator cant mow the lawn.

** Why doesn't a woman have the same size breain as a man? Because she doesn't have a penis to keep it in.

**What do electric trains and breasts have in common? They were intended for children, but it's the men who usually who end up playing w/ them.

**Why do men snore when they lie on their backs? Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.

**Why does a man masturbate so much? It's sex w/ someone who loves and understands him.

**Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they won't hump your leg at cocktail parties.

**Why did God make man before woman? Rough draft.

**Why is urine yellow and sperm white? So a man can tell if he's coming or going.

**How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down? Nowbody knows...it hasnt happened yet.

**Why does a man become smarter during sex? Because he is plugged into a genius.

**What's the difference between Nixon and Lewinski? One shredded the incriminating evidence, the other had not a shred of incriminating evidence.

**How do you know Bill Clinton is done having sex? When you have to wipe the "White-Water" off your blouse....

**Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

**Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

**A customer went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told , it would defeat the purpose.

**Isn't a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice."

**How do blind people know when they are done "wiping?"

**A little old lady, slowly enters the door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously totally unstable on ehr feet, she shakily hobbles the few feew across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks: "Dddooo yyoouu hhhaavvee ddiilllddooss?" The assistant, politely but ernestly holding himself replies, "Yes we do many models in fact." Then the old lady asked, " DDoo yyoouu hhaavvee aaa bblllaacckkk oonnee tteenn iinncchheess lloonngg aaanndd aabboouutt ttwwooo iinncchheesss tthhhiicckkk?" Assistant replies, "Yes." "CCaaannn yyoouu ttteell mmeee hhhoowww ttooo ttuuurrrnn tthhheee fffuuuccckkkiiinnngg tttthhhiiinnngg ooooffff????"

**MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:
(WHAT WOMEN SAY-what they mean)
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine again.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE! Without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven't had a fight in awhile.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE: You cheap slob.
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW! I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW; WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
I LIKE YOU, BUT! I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU!Just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN! You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY! I'm not going to sleep w/ you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE!I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH,NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF! I'm just being nice; there is no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE! Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS! We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

**A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?" The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then asked again, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"

**One day, Bill Clinton was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge---a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. To the blonde he said, "I am the president of the United States. How much would it cost me to spend some time w/ you?" The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars." To the brunette he posed the same question, and she replied, "One hundred dollars." He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replies, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes...Get my panties as low hard as the times...Keep it high as the gas prices...keep me warmer than my apartment...and...screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent."
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I WOULD LIKE TO THANK MY FRIENDS WHO SENT ME THESE JOKES. MOST OF THE FOLLOWING AS YOU WILL PROBABLY BE ABLE TO TELL WERE SENT MY FEMALES. NOT TO OFFEND THE MEN, BUT WE ALL DO NEED A GOOD LAUGH. FEEL FREE TO ALSO SEND ME SOME JOKES ABT. THE FEMALES. WOULD'VE ADDED THEM HERE, BUT JUST DONT HAVE ANY.************************************
**How is a man in bed like microwave food? 30 seconds and he's done.
**A man makes love like he drives a car. Never checks to see if you come before he pulls out.
**What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women wild? A bar of chocolate.
**Why don't men get hemmoroids? Because they're all perfect assholes.
**Why do men like masturbation? It's sex w/ someone they love.
**HUSBAND: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
WIFE: You wear briefs, don't you?
**What's a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
** How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
**how do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
**Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3 1/2" floppy.
**What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
**I've got a head I can't think w/. An eye I can't see w/, and most of all I have to hang around w/ two nuts all the time. My closest neighbor is an asshole, my best friend is a pussy. Worst of all is my owner beats me all the time!!!
**10 IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE:
Doctor-he says, "take your clothes off"
Dentist-he says, "Open wide."
Veterinarian-says, "and how is your little pussy doing today?"
Gardener-says, "do you want me to mulch your bush?"
Hairdresser-says, "do you want it teased or blown?"
Interior Decorator-says, "you'll like it once it's in."
Hunter-he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats what he shoots.
Remodeler-says, "It fits tongue-in-groove w/ a little hammering."
Milkman-says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
Banker-says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
**This hubby was watching TV when the wife got up to do yardwork. The hubby got up eventually, and looked outside to see what his wife was doing. He said to her, "you know honey, your butt is as big as that BBQ grill." She didn't say anything, she just kept working. Later that night, when they were in bed, she turned her back to him. He asked her why she didn't want to have sex w/ him, and she said, "Why should I fire up this big ole BBQ grill for just one little wienie like that?"
**Sometime after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up beside his ex-wife at a traffic light. With a smug grin he shouted over, "So...out looking for a little, huh?" She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. Now, I'm out looking for a LOT!"
**A man wakes up his wife during the night w/ a glass of H2O in one hand and two aspirins in the other. She asks, "What's this for?" "This is for your headache," he says. She says, "But I don't have a headache." He smiles and says, "GOTCHA!"
**The hubby was furious when he found out the checking acct. was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's my turn." "What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the hubby. "In bed," she explained, "You've been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it's my turn."
**How is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
**BLOW-JOB ETIQUETTE FOR MEN (to hubbys from their wives):
1- First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2- Extension to rule #1-So if you get one, be grateful.
3-I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4- Extension to rule #3-No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5- My ears are NOT handles.
6- Extension to rule #5-Do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7- I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8- Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week"-get it through your head-I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9- Extension to #8-"Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls-if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone w/ my Midol.
10- If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11- Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior
12- If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 abt. gratitude.
13- No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14-No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15- When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16- Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
**Little Janie comes home from school one day and finds Tibby the cat lying in the garden on his back, feet in the air, dead. "What's wrong w/ Tibby, Dad?" says Janie. "Well" explains Dad, "Tibby's gone to meet God." "Why is he lying on his back w/ his feet in the air then?" Dad thinks quickly, then explains, "It's so it's easier for God to reach down and pull him up to heaven." Satisfied w/ this, Janie goes off to play. Two weeks later Dad arrives home to find Janie in tears. "What's wrong Janie?" he asks. "Mom nearly died today," she explains. "What do you mean?" asks Dad.
"Mom was in the living room today on her back w/ her feet in the air crying, 'Oh God I'm coming!! I'm coming!!' and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down, she would have been gone!"
**A dietitian once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting her, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding Cake."


**IF WOMEN HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY:
--I would walk around and prod him all night long w/ it or whatever he was doing I'll be there prodding him w/ it.
--I would go into my boss' office, lay it on his desk, and say, "Where's my raise?"
--I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed w/ him and tell him to roll over and see how he likes it.
--I would want a big one and show it off to everyone.
--I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed.
--I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing.
--I would measure it both ways.
--I would get racked to see if it really hurts.
--I would see what a woman felt like on the other end.
--I would love him, and squeeze him, and play w/ it all day.
--Demonstrate to my hubby and my two sons that its possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything.
--Pin my hubby/boyfriend down and slap him in the face w/ it.
--I would play w/ it and then make him roll over into the wet spot.
--Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best.
--Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around.
--See how many donuts I could carry w/ it.
--Check out my boyfriend's gag reflexes.

**ORIGINAL PENIS LIST:
Nuprin: little, yellow, different.
Equal: tastes like sugar.
Excedrin: It's ttthhiiissss big.
Sprite: Image is nothing...taste is everything.
Snickers: It satisfies you.
Alkaseltzer: pop, pop, fizz, fizz...oh, what a relief it is.
Magnavox: Smart. Very smart.
The Life Call Penis: It's fallen and it can't get up.
American Express: Don't leave home w/out it.
Tootsie Roll Pop: how many licks does it take...?
Pringles: once you pop, you can't stop.
M&M: melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
Frosted Flakes: They're GGGRRREEEAAATTT!!
Lucky Charms: They're magically delicious.
Energizer: it keeps going and going.
Right Guard: anything less is uncivilized.
Campbells Soup: mmmm mmm good.
McDonald's: over 8 billion served.
Tombstone: what would you like on your penis?
Ragu: comes out chunkier than the rest.
Cobain: it blows itself away.
Purdue: more meat, less bone.
Allstate: you're in good hands.
Nike: just do it.
Borden: it's got to be good.
Beef: it's what's for dinner.
Miller lite: great taste, less filling.
Life: Mikey likes it.
Transformers: it's more than meets the eye.
Twizzler: it makes mouths happy.
Nintendo: now you're playing w/ power.
Sega: PENIS!
Robitussin: used by 9 out of 10 moms.
Crest: recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.
Champion: the official penis of the '96 USA olympic team.
Starburst: the juice is loose.
Toyota: i love what you do for me.
Citibank Visa: it's everywhere you want to be.
Timex: takes a lickin and keeps on...
Burger king: have it your way.
Dairy Queen: hot eats, cool treats (we treat you right)
Uncle Sam penis: we want you.
Flinstone's vitamins: 10 million strong and growing.
Wendy's: where's the beef?
Wizard of Oz: "Oh my!"
Lays: Betcha can't eat just one.
Diet Coke: Just for the taste of it.
Doublemint: chewing really satisfies.
Juicyfruit: the taste is gonna move ya.
Big Red: it's longer w/ big red.
Little Caesar's: Penis! Penis! or Pleaser! Pleaser!
Generic: one size fits all.
Mortal Kombat: nothing can prepare you.
Bounty: the quicker picker-upper.
Pizza Hut: makin' it great!
Domino's: delivers in 30 min. or less.
Budweiser: this bud's for you.
Siskel and Ebert: 2 thumbs up.
George of the Jungle: watch out for that...tree?
Nyquil: the nighttime coughing, sneezing, runny nose, itching, burning, so you can't rest penis.
Extra: lasts an extra, extra long time.
Sears: come see the softer side.
Jewel: take a new look at an old friend.
C&C music factory: makes you go hhmmm.....
Gilette: the best a man can get.
Charmin double roll: it lasts longer because it is longer.
Beatles: now a quarter smaller than it used to be.
Jell-o: look at it wiggle, look at it jiggle.
Virginia Slims: you've come a long way, baby.
AT&T: reach out and touch someone.
Secret: strong enough for a man, ph balanced for a woman.
Micro Machines: a whole world, in the palm of your hand.
Sanka: good to the last drop.
Corn Flakes: An all together great breakfast.
Toaster Struedel: something better just popped up.
Crispix: pretty wild.
Tastetations: hard to resist.
Dentyne: nothing colder than ice.
Subway: where fresh is the tasste.
Barq's: the one w/ bite.
Kentucky Fried Chicken: finger lickin good; everybody needs a little.
Rodeo: don't jerk back too hard on it.
Milk: it does a body good.
Folger's: best part of waking up...
Mr. Clean: is it wet or is it dry?
Rave Music: Ya'll ready for this?
Wonder Bubbles: magic wand inside.
Bacardi: taste the feeling.
MacIntosh: power is everything.
Borg: resistance is futile.
Edge Shaving Cream: ultimate closeness, ultimate comfort.
Swiss Miss: the taste you can enjoy anytime, anywhere!
payday: it's almost totally nuts!
Yellow Pages: let your fingers do the walking.
Sony Play Station: you are not ready.
Life Savers: five fruity flavors.
Rice Krispies: what does your penis say to you?
Windows '95: if you ask it to do too much, it'll crash.
Windows '98: it's not ready.
Reese's: how do you eat your penis?
Beavis: hehe! huh-huh! look! huh-huh! It's changing colors.
Gateway 2000: lets talk abt. your penis.
YOU JUST GOTTA LUV THIS...CANT REMEMBER WHICH FRIEND SENT THIS TO ME..BUT ONE OF MY FAVS!! >>>:O)~~
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MORE JOKES FROM FRIENDS:
**What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris? Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
**What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex.
**What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off.
**What do you instantly know abt. a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out his clothes.
**How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts? Guilt gifts are nicer.
**How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
**What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is? An insurance company.
**How are men like chocolates? they never last long enough and they always leave stains whenever they get hot.
**Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went it would be HELL!
**How do you know if a man is lying? His lips are moving.
**What do you do if your best friend runs off w/ your hubby? Miss her and pity her.
**Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? so they can find their way back to the house.
**What's the difference between a man and a messy room? you can straighten up a messy room.
**What does a man call true love? An erection.
**Why is a man like a moped? They're both fun to ride until your friends see you w/ one.
**What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital? At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.
**Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed, and go to the fridge.
**Why don't men cook at home? No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.
**What did God say after she made Eve? "Practice makes perfect."
**What's the quickest way to lose 190 lbs. of ugly fat? Divorce him.
**Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don't have balls to scratch.
********************************************************************************Come on my friends...keep sending me jokes... these are great...men, don't be offended, they're only jokes, send me some of women...will b a 50/50 site!
Hope you have enjoyed this...will update often...thanx to everyone who contributed!!! Katwoman
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>>Also, be sure to check out these other two sites:
1. HEAR THE BEAT: http://185herolane.vstoremusic.com/
This site full of music...check it out!

2. ELECTIX-Z: http://177hifiboulevard.vstoremall.com/
Full of all of your electronics needs...tvs, vcrs, cd players, dvd player..check this site also!!!
Favorite Links
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KATZ FIX
BOOKS, MUSIC, AND MOVIES: All in one place...be sure to check this site out! Send your friends!!!

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PUTER PLACE
Great place to find all of your computer needs! Computers, software, printers, scanners, etc...

.

SPORTS R US PRO SHOP
Paintball, football, soccer, weights, u name it...it's here!

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